Astro Mom has passed away - 19th June 2012...
Dear Friends....
I have been receiving
many nice notes and wishes regarding me and my Mom, but very sad news - and I
feel it’s important to notify my friends.
A week ago (Tuesday
the 19th of June), Mom made her transition away from me and passed away at a
solid 96 years of age. She suffered from liver disease, most likely brought on
by pesticides when she worked on a farm as a young woman. We fought this
illness together for many years, extending our time together after the medical community
wrote her off. She trusted in me and did everything I told her what to
do, altered our diet and incorporated alternative treatments in pushing back
the inevitable for as long as we
could. She was mobile and acutely cognitive till just about the very end,
joking with me hours before she passed.
Two weeks ago, a blood
vessel burst in her colon and I rushed her to the E.R. Blood transfusions later
we only spent four days in the hospital. Being prodded, poked, jabbed and
tubed, she was happy to get out of there and cease the "tortures" as
she put it and come home. For the next two weeks, she spent the entire
time in bed and in great discomfort, but alert. I spent the next 14 days
changing, feeding and sleeping in a chair by her - taking her vitals hourly.
She knew the routine - extending her arm for the Bp cuff, her finger for
the Blood Ox meter and held the thermometer under her tongue till ready.
For the majority of the two weeks, the vitals were improving and gave me
hope. She would wrap her arms around my neck, so as to lift her up and
place a pillow under her head for drinking/eating. She continually complained
about the discomfort in her belly, which was now distended with fluid, pressing
up against her ribcage and preferred to lie flat. I would try to massage
the water away, bringing slight relief, but with every meal and drink, it would
rise up again - and it would hurt me to see her like this. But Mom was a strong
woman and we always bounced back from set-backs before, resuming her regular
household regiments as usual...but not this time. Growing weaker, walking was
not possible and she was tired of laying in bed, bones and muscles aching.
I would to continue to massage her and turn her often, but she was so
tired and slept most of the time. Her dentures no longer fit and pained
her...so I pureed her foods and pushed nutrient/juiced drinks. I changed
her several times a day with a smile and we shared jokes. When I had to
go to work, my girl Maria made time to come and stay with her and chat.
Mom told her things about me and said, "He's yours
now.....good luck...!"
I incorporated the
services of Hospice care, who were great in bathing, medicating and provided
use of oxygen and other items of need. On the 19th of June, I told Mom I would
be going to bed and that I would get up in a couple of hours to check up on
her. She was good with that, told me I must be tired and asked if I ate
well. At 2:00 am, I woke up in a start and went to Mom, who was awake but
sluggish. I was having a difficult time taking her vitals, but after some time,
succeeded in registering a low blood pressure and Blood Oxygen reading.
Alarmed, I called the hospice nurse at 2:00 am and she arrived quickly
within the hour. Mom was entering the last stages of life and the nurse asked
if I would want to call 911. No. The attempts to administer trauma
care, (Intubation, chest compressions etc...), would be more detrimental
to her frail body - and to put her thorough all that now in a cold careless
hospital was not going to happen. We would see this out at home.
I spent the next hours
scared, hopeless and in a daze, but did not show it, talking with Mom - who
could only now mumble or grunt, but still aware and tried to respond. I
thanked her for everything she did for me and that we would love each other
forever. She acknowledged as best she could. Breathing became labored and
was now an effort. As her protector and caretaker since forever, I could not
fix this and knew the day I dreaded for decades was at hand. I was angry at my
helplessness and feared my resignation of the crisis. Maria took time
off of work to be with me as I was scared to be alone....arriving just in
time.
Mom's breathing was
now more shallow and father apart. I tried again to take her vitals, but
they were not registering...and with both of us at her side, holding her hand
and stoking her head...Mom, the woman who was always there for me and my best
friend, took a last breath...and was gone forever. I cried and wailed -
(listening to myself react and feeling fright), as Maria held me and I
held Mom. This was and is so unreal, Mom was no longer here, but her shell
remained - just like that. I remained with her for a few hours, trying to
understand this transition, before calling the hospice nurse, who arrived and
made the arrangements to have her picked up. And with that, Mom's physical body
was gone from my life forever. Inconceivable nightmare.
I seem to handling
this horrible situation better than I thought I would, always imagining myself
in a fetal position in the corner without Mom. I go through wide mood swings
from utter despair to feeling ok...which brings on guilt. I am happy that Mom
no longer is suffering with that goddamned liver disease and can rest her soul
from this condition. My schedule revolved around Mom and I lived my life for
her and now my job was at an end. What do I do now.....? I try to fill
my time, but it all seems meaningless. I find myself talking to her and
hoping she can hear me from wherever she may be now.
She said I was the
best thing in her life and hoped when her time came, that I would not be alone.
Seeing how well Maria & I are together, she called us magnets -
strongly attracted to each other. I would often tell Mom that I would be
back "in a couple of hours” going to see Maria... and she would respond “I know how long your
couple of hours are”. She genuinely
liked and approved my girl and seeing that I was not alone now... made her feel
better she told me.
Mom and I decided long
ago that we would prefer cremation, like my Dad...we even came across an
urn-like vessel that will hold her ashes that we liked and got that will rest
on the piano. There will be no wake or services - but perhaps a memorial remembrance
sometime - perhaps on her birthday. We often discussed the mystery of Life
after Death and this temporary dimension of existence. I hope she is well
and will keep tabs on me like she said she would. My Dad visited me in a
most vivid dream and hung around for awhile...I hope Mom stays with me and
guides me as I try to continue on. We always talked about astronomy and
often said that she would like to skate on the rings of Saturn when the time
comes....I hope she is having a great time. And, she was proud of me - always
telling me she loved me as I would head out the door - always worrying over me
till I was back home.
There is now a home
full of memories and a lifetime of collected stuff to go through...a painful
task to attend to. Favorite articles of clothing, foods in the fridge,
knick-knacks she liked that reflected colored sunshine in the windows.
Notifying agencies that she has passed, removing her name from papers, and no
longer bringing home her favorite coffee/food...it’s all hard. I lost weight
and trying to regain footing. So many things we shared together, inside
jokes, stories told & retold and pushing back the disease as far as we
could.
This is an impossible
state of being now, but damn...we had a great time together, my best friend...
and she would have made 100 easy...if it were not for that stupid retarded
cancer....that not only killed it's host..but itself as well. She never harmed
anybody, sacrificed much for me and I am blessed to be her son. But, I am
now faced for the first time, a world without Mom & Dad...and it's scary.
There is an uncomfortable relief that our struggle is over and new opportunities
to conquer...but I would do it all over again just to have her with me for
another hour.
Thank you to all my
friends to kept the positive thoughts and prayers for us...recommending various
assistance, offering help and searching for alternative herbs for her when I
was having difficulties. She always smiled when I told her that my
friends said hello and enjoyed being referred to as “Astro Mom”. I was
blessed with a wonderful gift - having so many quality years together,
practically mobile and of sharp mind to the very end - we connected till the
very end. She passed like she wanted - with me at her side, at home quietly and
with a slight smile on her face...but I miss her so much and with a home full
of her memories and bills piling up. I am a changed person now, different
- but I can't explain it yet.
(I share this account
for my friends who may be going through, have already or soon might be facing
this situation. You all have been very generous and I hope that this will
prepare you in the loss that we all must experience at some time.)
I miss you Ma.
Joe
